Monday, June 11, 2012

Fatherhood


It should be no different than for Mother’s Day, but it is.  On Mother’s Day, moms everywhere are declared free from the kitchen.  Usually that means traveling to a restaurant.  If not, then someone else cooks, even if it’s just breakfast in bed.

Father's Day T-shirt circa 1987
Father’s Day doesn’t always work out that way.  Dads everywhere head to the backyard and fire up the grill.  Oh, they might be lured by the shiny new stainless steel Beef Blaster 3000, complete with man-sized grilling tools, but nonetheless, dads are doing the cooking.

I’m declaring the week off from cooking.  In this post, there is no recipe, and there are no pictures of food.  Instead, I’d like to share some thoughts about Fatherhood.  The role of fathers has been downplayed for many years.  It’s getting better, but it still could use a boost.  In recent history in our country, the impact of dads has been regarded as secondary to that of mothers.  I’m not suggesting for one minute that fathers should be viewed as more important than mothers, but I strongly feel that they are equally as important.

Attempting to accurately and thoroughly encapsulate the importance of fatherhood in a blog post is about as easy as the getting the proverbial camel to pass through the eye of a needle.  Just my own experience in raising my two great kids, Matt and Lauren, would take several volumes, and yet, the more I thought about it, the more I was able to distill it.  It occurred to me that fatherhood is simply about holding on and letting go, (and knowing when to do both.)

At one time it was espoused that mothers provide the love and fathers, the discipline.  It’s not that simple, and certainly not that cut and dry.  Parenting roles need to be shared, and shared as much as possible.  But, to me at least, it’s obvious that mothers are better at some things, and fathers have their niche, too.  Mothers are superb at holding on.  They’re nurturers, comforters, and encouragers.

Let's face it.  We all know that the job of a father is more complex.  Dads have to know how to both hold on to some things and let go of others.  It’s very stressful!  Sure, we have to know some of that mothering stuff, but we also have our own skill set.  Okay, mothers everywhere, put down the rolling pins!  But now that I have your attention, let me tell you what I really mean.

Fathers are preparers, equippers, and nudgers.  A good father knows how critically important it is to let go.  Moms want to hold on and, let’s be honest here, they really never want to let go.  But fathers know that our job as a parent is to prepare our kids to release them; to let them go and send them out into the world, to take their place and fully realize their independence.  Holding on, letting go, and knowing when to do both.  It's a tough job, but somebody's got to do it.

I wrote the following poem for my daughter last September, the week after her wedding, and I think it does a pretty good job of capturing what I’m talking about.

HAND-IN-HAND

It came to me when we were flying back from Birmingham,
That I rarely, if ever, hold your hand anymore,
Now that you are grown and self-sufficient,
Your need for me to function in the role of protector has moved on.

There is a history of hand holding with you and me.
A quarter century ago it was established on a Tuesday in November.
Not the first time I held you.  You weren’t in the mood,
All red and spastic, in response to the abrupt change in your environment.

After you discovered how to breathe and stopped flailing your arms,
You settled down and grasped a single finger.
It was automatic, spring-like, closing when touched like a tiny trap,
Not motivated by any need, but it still made me feel like a million bucks.

Holding you that night in the hospital,
I started to think about what it would be like to have a daughter.
In my family there had been no girls for fifty years, and I knew
I was entering unchartered territory for a father with my surname.

That night, I thought about dolls and tea parties, dresses and hair bands.
I wondered how old you would be when you got your ears pierced.
I thought about cooking and softball and dancing with you on your wedding day.
It was then that I realized that someday I would have to give you away.

I think I held onto you a little tighter.
I savored the moments when I held your hand, finding myself
Hanging on for just a fraction of a second longer.
In truth, never wanting it to end.

You probably don’t remember all the times I held your hand.
There was nothing in my fatherly job description that was more important;
Whether it was washing them, (hands that got dirtier than most boys),
Or removing splinters or slapping on Band Aids.

I held your hand to keep you from slipping each time you got a bath,
Except for the time you decided you could do it yourself,
Scaling the tub and taking the plunge fully clothed…shoes and all.
That day you also wore a smug expression of self-satisfaction.

I held your hand when you got a shot, and when you came out of anesthesia,
Quasi-delirious, asking me why I had two heads.
We held hands when we danced in the family room, danced until
We were out of breath, either from the moves, from the laughing, or both.

Your hand needed guiding when you first wrote your name in huge block letters,
And my hands over yours helped you figure out how to hold a baseball bat.
Next a golf club, and then a wrench to change the oil in your car.
With each new venture you were becoming more and more capable.

Learner’s permit in your pocket and flip flops on your feet,
I resisted taking hold of your hands when they were on the steering wheel.
“You’re doing fine,” I partially perjured myself.  And you were, for starting out.
But that didn’t stop my adrenaline rush.

Taking your hand as you came down the steps of the baptistery,
My thoughts momentarily drifted to countless street crossings, and I realized that
You were making a crossing of another kind.
Crossing over.  Old things had passed away; all things had become new.

When you were a child, it was the street crossings that had become the most frequent.
They had also become automatic.
It was a reflex action to reach for your hand when I stepped off a curb.
That’s why I did it even though you were in college when we crossed Broadway in New York City.

On that day, before we even made it to the other side, I wondered,
“How many more times will I hold her hand?”
It was, after all, superfluous.  You were grown.  You could cross by yourself,
But it still made me feel like a million bucks.

Alison Conklin Photography
Like a puddle on a sunny day, time evaporated,
And even though I’d had my share, it was without warning
That I stood beside you in your white gown.
Ready, and yet not ready, to give you away.

Obliged by tradition, I offered my arm, but you didn’t respond.
Instead, with the potential to undo me, you said,
“Can you just hold my hand?”
It was still automatic, and we joined them without looking.

Just?  Just hold your hand?
Without my knowing, it was what I needed,
Needed to bring me full circle…complete.
And together we walked through another milestone, hand-in-hand.

Alison Conklin Photography

Have a Happy Father's Day!  1 Thessalonians 5:21 - "Hold on to what is good."

Thursday, June 7, 2012

Chicken, Snow Peas & Asparagus Stir-Fry



Stir-fry is a great dish for dads in the kitchen.  It’s quick, it’s easy, and brace yourself…it’s healthy!  I can remember the very first time that I was unable to finish all of the food served to me in a restaurant.  It was stir-fry and I was in high school.  I was impressed.  From that moment on, whenever I was super-hungry, I’d order stir-fry if it was on the menu.

There are several keys to good stir-fry.  Use a high-quality, flavored oil to sauté the meat and vegetables.  Vegetable or canola oil works, and grape seed oil tolerates a higher temperature (and is good for you), but a high quality olive oil or, better yet, sesame oil, make a huge difference.  It helps to create “layers” of taste.  Don’t use too much oil, and don’t be afraid to use some heat.  I’m told that most cooks wimp out on the heat, so use at least medium high heat.

Start the rice before you start the stir-fry, (unless you’re using Minute Rice…yes, we dads resort to Minute Rice on occasion).  Depending on the variety, rice usually takes about 20 minutes.  If you can, time the rice to be ready just when the stir-fry is done.  If you have all of your ingredients ready to go, actual stir-frying will only take about 10 minutes.

Try to have the chunks of meat roughly the same size.  This will promote even doneness.  I like to start the meat first.  As soon as it seared on all sides, add the vegetables.  (You may have to do some experimenting with timing in order to achieve your preferred level of “crunch” in the vegetables.  Remember:  Stir-fried vegetables should be crunchy, or as some cooks describe them, “tender-crisp.”) Always try to use farm-fresh, in-season vegetables, too.  My recent purchases of snow peas and asparagus in Lancaster Country inspired making this stir-fry.

Add your finishing sauce just before you’re ready to serve.  I didn’t make mine from scratch, but “tweaked” it.

Most importantly, ignore the phone!  Just as I was ready to add the finishing sauce, the phone rang.  I covered the electric frying pan, (the poor man’s wok), and took the call.  The result was that a lot of liquid from the captured steam collected in the pan, and thinned and weakened my finishing sauce.  I then made matters worse by trying to reduce the liquid with continued cooking, (a huge “no-no” with stir-fry), and my final result was not my best effort.  If you look closely, you’ll see some wilting on the asparagus chunks.  Live and learn.

CHICKEN, SNOW PEAS, AND ASPARAGUS STIR-FRY

Ingredients:
3 chicken breasts, cut into 1” cubes
1 pint snow peas, ends trimmed and “strings” removed
1 bunch asparagus, cut into 1” chunks
1-2 Tablespoons oil (I used 1 T. of sesame oil, and 1 T. of grape seed oil)
approx. ½ cup finishing sauce (I used Mr. Yoshida’s)
¼ teaspoon ground ginger
1 teaspoon soy sauce (I use Kikkoman’s)

Directions:
Prepare the rice, timing it so that its completion will coincide with the stir-fry being done.  Prepare the finishing sauce.  Set aside.  Prepare all ingredients as “stir-fry ready” in advance.  Begin sautéing the chicken in oil over medium-high heat.  When it has seared on all sides, add the vegetables, occasionally tossing and coating everything with the oil in the pan.

When vegetables are “tender crisp,” (approx 10-15 minutes), add the finishing sauce and toss the ingredients to coat them well.  Serve over rice.

Enjoy!